Wishlist (or, Flight of the Kiwis)

I've been watching a lot of Flight of the Conchords which, as you probably know, is about a couple of slightly clueless and incompetent New Zealanders trying to survive in an unforgiving environment (now there's a coincidence). After defeats like the one in Brisbane, I often start to feel like Mel, non-NZer (but of course) and the only obsessive fan (OK stalker, but the comparison breaks down there ) of the group, blissfully overlooking their obvious deficiencies. And no doubt John Wright is starting to feel like helpless-yet-optimistic band manager Murray Hewitt.

Mel and Murray both try come up with a range of gimmicks that might propel the Conchords to success. So, asking myself what these guys would try, here are a few things one could do to help the Black Caps at Hobart and after (of course, with even less conformation to reality than FOTC):

1. Travel back in time, and injure Brendon McCullum before the opening match of IPL 2008, so there would be no innings of 158 to live up to each time he goes in to bat.
2. Coat Ross Taylor's hands with special glue that might enable him to hold on to crucial chances at critical moments.
3. Brainwash Jesse Ryder into thinking he's playing against India every time he goes out to bat.
4. Clone Daniel Vettori a few times over. And get him to remember how to spin the ball.
5. Get Doug Bracewell to change his last name; there's something in the family that causes the Bracewells to shoot their mouth off before a series and rev up the opposition.
6. Somehow create a hybrid cricketer with Ryder's talent, Dean Brownlie's temperament, Chris Martin's fitness, and Martin Guptill's fielding ability.

And while we're at it:

7. Find a magical diet for Adam Milne so he might build up a sturdy frame to go with his ability to bowl 150 km/h.

8. Get NZC to find some loophole in Neil Wagner's paperwork that would enable him to become eligible for NZ right away.